Hey Bald Man,

My wife’s mom’s house is a clusterfuck, and I am worried that my wife will follow suit eventually.  Her house is really nowhere near as bad as the peoples houses on the TV show, but nothing gets thrown away, and the organization is the worst.  I am starting to see signs that my wife is beginning to exhibit the same traits.  We have tons of Tupperware, but she just keeps buying it.  There is an absurd amount of holiday decorations.  Those are organized, but we re running out of space and she is not stopping the purchases.  Every trip to Target there are more storage containers, and more things to put in those storage containers that we don’t need.

How do I put a hold on the amount of stuff piling up in our house?

Thanks,

Hoardly Knew Her

 

Hello Hoardly-

I can speak to you from personal experience on this one.  My wife is similar in a lot of respects, and I have had some success in managing the amount of unnecessary things in our fine household.

Here are a few tips in no particular order:

• You should be involved in interior design of your home.   If things are cluttering up in your house, having conversations about changing the flow/layout/decoration of a room and focusing the conversation on space and utility will help you both to think about which items are necessary and which are not.
• Have a garage sale at least once per year.  If you don’t have a house, find a friend who does and make them have a garage sale where you can sell your crap on consignment.
• Lead by example.  Demonstrate that you are minimal with your sentimental items.  Keep your sentimental stuff confined to a box or two, and don’t be afraid to donate items or throw them out.
• Throw stuff out on your own, and in secret.  This is a little underhanded, but if you grab a couple pieces here and there which hold no value, chances are she won’t ever notice.  If your stuff is piling up you will always have plausible deniability.  A messy home makes things harder to find…
• Focus on frugality.  Having regular conversations about living a more frugal lifestyle leads to more thought going into each purchase made.  This is another area where leading by example helps.
• Have a real conversation with your wife about the issue, and let her know your fears of having a dumpy, cluttered house.

Those tips should help out, provided things have not gotten too bad.  If you already have entire rooms you can’t use, you are going to need to seek professional help or burn your house down and start fresh.

-The Bald Man

 

Hello Bald Man,

In the last 3 months I have been proposed to by two men. They are are polar opposites.  One of them is a fun, sensitive and emotionally available man works but does not make a lot of money. The other is exciting and powerful and makes a ton of money by comparison. I have fun with him but not on the level as the first guy, and his personality does come with some ego issues.

How do I decide which guy I should marry?

Sincerely,

Doubly Proposed

Hello Proposed,

You need to start by asking you how you got into a situation where you have two men that, within a short period, think it is appropriate to ask you to marry them.  This is not a normal occurrence for most people, and is a sign that if you pick one of them the marriage is unlikely to succeed.

Normally people propose when they are relatively certain that the person they are proposing to will say yes. In your case, I am guessing these guys don’t even really know that you are not dating them exclusively.

This is really a terrible question to be asking to an advice columnist, particularly with such limited information.  You only really gave meme-level information on these fine gents.  Given that, you should probably decline both offers.  Don’t date anyone exclusively for a while, and be honest with the people you are dating so as not to lead them into a position where they are proposing when you haven’t even stopped dating other people.  In time, you will find the right person.

If you absolutely must marry one of these two men, go with the guy who makes the money.  You will probably end up divorced anyway, and marrying that guy will at least leave you in a better financial position afterwards.

Sincerely,

Bald Man

Dear Bald Man-

I’m a 29 year old male living on my own in a new area where I don’t really have any actual friends.  I’ve had issues with social anxiety in the past, and making friends has always been an issue.  Lately, I’ve been trying to move past that and make some friends, so I decided to try and have a dinner party with some people from work and my neighborhood.

During the week prior to the party, I spoke with most everyone I know, and a number of people said they would show up. I expected about 10-12 people to show up, and I spent the whole day of the party making food and setting up my apartment.

No-one showed up.  After about an hour had passed I started texting people.  Some responded that they had gotten busy, some simply ignored me.  This has really crushed my spirit.  What did I do wrong?

Sincerely,

Lonelyman

 

Hi Lonelyman,

What you experienced was an unfortunate truth about adult life.  As a bald man, I borderline worship the great Larry David.  If you watch his show Curb Your Enthusiasm, you know that he would do literally anything to get out of a dinner party.

It sounds like your heart was in the right place here, but your execution was off. First off, are any of these people you invited friends or acquaintances with each other, or did you just invite a random assortment of people over?  Also, is the only reason you know them because of proximity?  It sounds like you are just trying to have a get-together with a bunch of people that you vaguely know, but there is not necessarily a good reason for them to want to come to a dinner party at your house.

The hard truth about making friends as an adult is that its hard and it sucks.  Most people grow less and less interested in meeting new friends as they age.  I think of it like music.  All the music I like the most is from when I was in High School and College, and most everything that has come out since is noob bullshit.

This does not mean it is impossible, you just need to put the right kind of effort in.  Having that dinner party was a nice gesture, but it likely came off as desperate to some of the people, which made it undesirable to attend.

The best way for you to meet new friends is to engage in something you actually like to do, like a hobby or a sport.  If you genuinely like doing something, find a public group that does it and join in.  You will find groups that do almost anything.

If you don’t have any real interests, you might want to consider that you are kind of a boring person, and you need to work on self-development a bit before you are able to make new friends.  Not to be harsh, but the point of having friends it basically to have people to talk to and engage in activities with.  If you are not interested in doing anything, you won’t be interesting enough for someone to want to talk to you.

-The Bald Man

P.S. Side note(s) on throwing parties – in the future, you might want to create a Facebook event or do an e-vite or something.  When people RSVP to a party on one of those, they are more likely to come than if they simply gave a verbal or text response.   Maybe give them more than a week’s notice as well and your response rate might be better.

Hi Bald Man

Hi Bald Man

 

Dear Grossed Out,

Yes it is a bit gross, but please refrain from saying anything to your *NEW* girlfriend.  You will only piss her off.

What your girlfriends sister ideally should have done is take the baby to a the changing table an switch the poop diaper out away from the guests and food.  However, this is a bit dependent on who the guests are.  If you were the only non-close family member there then I don’t see much of an issue with her action.  If there were other people who are at an acquaintance level like you, then the changing should be private.

At the end of the day, she has every right to do this in her house as she pleases, and you have every right to go vomit in the bathroom, privately.

 

Dear Slighted,

Don’t be offended.  If you happen to get married at some point and have the pleasure of spending thousands of dollars on a wedding, you will realize how difficult it it to make a guest list, and have it fit in your budget.

The bride and groom had to make some tough choices no doubt. Don’t be offended, I am guessing you are not the only one in this boat.  It is most likely that they decided spouses were in, girlfriends/boyfriends were out.  Just go, get drunk, dance, and have a good time, and don’t create any drama. This day belongs to the bride and groom, its not about you.

Hello Bald Man,

At the beginning of this year, I received my annual review, and it was not good.  In fact it was significantly worse than in prior years.  My boss told me that if I did not turn my performance around there would be ‘disciplinary steps’ taken.  I take this to mean that I would get written up, maybe fired.

I am distraught over this.  I have always gotten decent reviews, and I thought I was good with my manager, even friendly.  I am unsure what to do here.

Sincerely,

Scared of Unemployment

Dear Scared,

I have worked in numerous management-type jobs in the past.  It is never a good sign when your manager is telling you, in so many words, to shape up or ship out.  The silver lining here is that you have not been fired yet, but you need to take some action right away.  Here are a few thoughts on how to proceed:

• Pay close attention to the specific items that your manager is telling you to fix.  If you can demonstrate improvement in those areas it will help.  Keep in mind that you also need to keep track of your progress.  Your manager may miss improvements you are making, and you need backup for HR if they take next steps.
• Don’t be combative with the feedback you are getting.  I have had a number of employees in the past who have had trouble with performance, but the biggest issue is when people are constantly complaining about expectations, especially when others are easily meeting those expectations.
• Ask for regular progress updates from your manager.  This will force them to discuss your progress and acknowledge improvements, as well as let you know where you stand. It also demonstrates our willingness to improve.
• Update your resume, and start looking for other jobs.  This may be an aggressive step to take right away, but you are definitely in better shape if you change jobs on your own vs getting fired.
• If you get to the point where you are being written up for performance, then it is definitely time to move to a new job.  By this point management has come to terms with the fact that you need to be let go, and is on the lookout for any further issues.
• Remember – Management and HR are not really your friends, they are there to protect the company.  Act accordingly.

This all might seem scary, but if you take a proactive approach to the situation it could end up as a net positive for you.  Good Luck!

Sincerely,

Bald Man

 

Hello Bald Man-

A couple of years ago I was supremely overweight, and decided I needed to make some big time lifestyle changes.  I joined a gym and started cutting back on calories wherever I could.  Today, I have lost over 50 pounds.  I feel great but I have about 25 pounds to go until I meet my goal weight.

My issue is peer pressure.  When I first started trying to lose weight, my  friends and family were always understanding.  Now that I have lost a bunch of weight and my weight appears much more normal to people, I am encountering more and more situations where people will make excuses on my behalf, and try to goad me into indulging when I try and deny a dessert.

How should I approach this?  I feel like a jerk having to constantly explain to people my dietary restrictions.

— Dieting and Frustrated

Hello Dieting –

Your story rings so true to me.  I have been through this before and trust me, it does not get better with time.  As a midwestern man, high calorie food offerings are rampant and I fight this battle at every family event I attend.

The first thing you need to realize is that, while unintentional, your friends and family are trying to bring you back to their level.  You have done great and made a lot of progress, and they likely have not changed for the better at all during that time.  Some of them might be actively getting fatter, and by comparison you are making them look bad.

DO NOT GIVE IN! If you do, it will become easier and easier to rationalize making bad food choices and you will end up right back where you started or worse.

The best advice I can give is to not worry about coming off as a jerk.  First, you don’t have any obligation to explain why you are not eating or drinking something.  If you are offered a piece of cake, a simple ‘No thank you’ should be sufficient.  You can also just lie and say you already are full, or had dessert earlier.  If someone is pushy about it, be direct and let people know that you are actively working on losing more weight.

If you have someone in your life that is still pushy after that you need to sit them down in private and go one-on-one with them.  Explain to them the food, like alcohol or drugs, is an addiction for you, and what they are doing is akin to telling an alcoholic that ‘One drink won’t hurt’.  That might not be entirely true for your situation, but it will almost undoubtedly get them to back off with the dessert pushing.  They may even gossip about that conversation to others, and word will spread which should make your life easier in the long run.  If that person still persists, sorry, they are just an asshole.

Sincerely,

Bald Man

Hi Bald Man

I am nearing the end of college and dating a guy with a couple of kids.  I don’t have any.  We are thinking of moving in together but honestly  I don’t want his kids living with us.  He currently has joint custody, and taking on the responsibility of having 2 kids live with us part-time would make me a part-time mom. I don’t think I can handle that responsibility, especially with school.  I have brought up the idea of them living with their mom full time when we move in together (while I am still in school), and he was not receptive to that idea.  In fact he got kind of angry with me.  Is this something I should have a say in?

 

— Don’t want to be a Mom Yet

 

Hi Mom-  

The short answer here is no, this is not something you have a say in.  They are his kids.  Presumably he went through all kinds of court trouble to get the joint custody situation set up in the first place, so this could place future custody in jeopardy.

I would really question why you are with this guy if you are not ready to be a mom yet.  I am assuming you are young because you are still in college.  Why tie yourself down?  Aren’t there any guys you could date that don’t have any kids?

In any case, definitely don’t move in with this guy.  Finish college, find a job, then think about real commitment.  You will probably find when you are done that your priorities change, and if you get committed too early you will regret it.

-Bald Man