Dear Bald Man

I am friends with a couple that is seriously overweight.  Not quite ‘My 600-Pound Life” big, but big enough for some serious health problems. This is bad, but is of course their own business.

The problem I have is that they have kids and their bad eating habits are obviously rubbing off on them.  The kids are young, but have pretty apparent self-control issues, are heavier than their classmates, and don’t seem to be slowing down in the growth department.

I know the grandparents and have spoken with them about this.  They agree and have tried but failed to get through to the parents.  I am considering having an intervention of sorts with the parents before it is too late.  What are your thoughts on me interjecting?

— Obese Intervention

 

Dear Obesity-

You are in a tough spot.  These parents are on the verge of ruining these kids lives and subjecting them to a lifetime of ridicule and health issues.

On the other hand, the parents are pretty unlikely to actually listen to what you have to say.  Listening would first mean a lifestyle change for the parents.  You giving them your opinion seems like it might help, but they will probably just think you are being a dick and shrug off your advice.

The only way I see this working on any level is teaming up with the Grandparents, and possibly any other mutual friends/family that are sympathetic to your cause.  Approach it like a real intervention.  Food addiction is real, and tough to battle.  You need to offer support, and come at this from an angle of love.  Even still, be prepared to make them angry and to potentially lose a friendship.

-Bald Man

Hi Bald Man

My husband and I have a 27 year old living at home still. He has a part time job and pays for his own gas, entertainment and cell phone. We pay for all of his other expenses.

He sleeps in until nearly noon each morning.  He is nice to be around, but will only really help around the house if we ask him to multiple times. If he got a full-time job or another part time one we would feel easier about his ability to exist without us taking care of him.

How can I make him hear me that he needs to be more serious about life? He got a college degree which seems useless, and now plans to get a two-year degree that will get him a career, but we think he has to change his habits so he can sleep at night and get up in the morning.  He often stays up late online and talking with his friends. Can you add your voice to ours?

— Stressed out Mother

Hello Mother,

What are you even doing?  You need to send a message immediately.  First off, he feels like he can skate by with a part-time job because you enable him to do so.  He is 27.  He is too old to be on your health insurance, do you pay for his for him?

Your son is in a state of arrested development.  He should be working full time or more and making as much money as he can now to start saving for a house, retirement, etc.  Your enabling him is doing him no favors at all.  You need to stop paying his bills and start charging rent.  I would give him 1-2 months maximum and then drop the hammer.

Sincerely,

Bald Man

 

Hey Bald Man-

I have a question you should be an expert on.  I am young (20) and showing signs of going bald.  I have a receding hairline, and a very small but growing bald patch on the back of my head.  How did you cope with going bald?  Should I try and stop it?

Sincerely,

Freshly Balding

 

Hi Balding-

Going bald at such a young age blows.  I started getting noticeably bald a little younger than you, and I remember how tough it was.  Here is what you should do.

1. Avoid hair replacement/regrowth products and drugs.  They are expensive and often do not work.  If they do work, you have to keep using them forever.  Until they invent a permanent, affordable solution, stay away.
2. Shave your head (or at least cut your hair short).  Holding on to long or even medium length hair will make you look like a goon.  Trust me I did that until I was like 26 and my girlfriend at the time made me.  I looked like shit and was always self conscious.  The second I made the move to start shaving my head, I never considered going back to my old ways.
3. Work out.  Going bald will, unfortunately, mean that a certain percentage of sexual partners are off the table.  There might be some girls with daddy issues that prefer bald men, but that will be rare and is not really a tangible benefit.  If you work out, some of the sexual partners you otherwise would not have a chance with will reconsider.

Thats all.  Once you start shaving your head, life becomes a lot easier.

-Bald Man

Dear Bald Man,

My boyfriend of a little under a year is going to a bachelors party in Vegas in about a month.  The other day, he came out and asked if it would be ok for him to have a one-night stand with someone while he is out there.

I am beside myself about this.  I feel like if I say no, he may do it anyway and not tell me.  If I say yes, then I am just saying it is ok for him to cheat.  I am totally unsure what to do, please help!

Sincerely,

Don’t Want to be a Cuckold

 

Hi Cuckold…

I am going to assume that you are young (under 25) given the context of your question.  I think you need to either break up with this dude or re-define your whole relationship.  If he feels the need to cheat this early in the relationship, it says he is not really committed. And really you should not be either.

Unless you really want to get married and have kids at your age, you should just avoid real commitment for the time being, especially with this type of guy.  The positive thing here is that he was honest in what he wanted to do.  The issue is that you obviously are not really ok with this happening, and if you say no you will have no way of knowing if he acts on his impulses behind your back.

To be honest I don’t really know what the fuck this guy is thinking.  There really is no good outcome from his question.  Either you are totally ok with it, which basically means you want something of an open relationship.  If that is the case he should just propose that.  If you are not ok with it, you will either say no and he is back where he started, or you will say yes begrudgingly and he is making you unhappy.  Now that I think of it he sounds pretty dumb, and you should lean toward breaking it off.  If you decide to continue this relationship, I would only do so if it is just for casual sex.

-Bald Man

P.S. – Use protection.

Hey Baldy,

I am 18 and I am approaching the end to my first year in college.  I went to a school near my hometown, and my best friend from high school also went to college there.  Having a close friend here is great, but it seems like he can’t operate on his own.  Like, he is a clingy human being.  We hang out in similar circles, but it seems like I have been his introduction to everyone that we know.  When we go to parties, I try to mingle, but he will be near me with almost every conversation I try to have.  He’s not a bad person, or toxic, but I sometimes feel like he is just tagging along for the ride.

How can I tell him this without destroying our friendship?

Sincerely,

Attached at the Hip

 

Hi Attached at the Hip-

This can be a delicate situation, but the best thing to do is to rip the band-aid off.  Summer is coming, which maybe can provide some distance.  Even being from the same hometown I’ll bet you have separate jobs at least. If not that is a problem.

In any case you need to do two things.

1. Tell him what your feelings are, just don’t be mean about it.  You need to approach this from an angle that suggests that you think he needs to find his own way sometimes or he will end up with a shitty college experience.  College is the place where a lot of people find their best friends for life, wives, boyfriends, etc. and
2. Get involved in some activities that he can’t be a part of.  Maybe that involves clubs related to your major.  Maybe that is a part-time job.  Maybe athletics.  Whatever you can do.

I would do step one at some point this summer when you are hanging out.  Say something like “Hey man, I noticed that you are not all that social at parties, you mostly only talk to me.  You should work on that to get yourself out there, get laid, make new friends, etc…”.

-Baldman

Hey Bald Man,

Growing up I was always taught by my parents that I should write thank you cards when I received gifts.  Nowadays I send gifts to a number of family members, mostly children who live out of town. We don’t receive a thank you note, or any kind of acknowledgement, not even a text or e-mail. Some live a long way away and I will wonder if the packages even arrived. I have emailed a relative who lives in the UK to see if my package arrived for their family, and all I got back was “yes, thank you”

I’m tempted to stop giving gifts to these relatives or start sending them thank you notes and stamps as Christmas gifts next year as a hint. Am I expecting too much? What do you think?

— Frustrated Gifter

Dear Frustrated Gifter-

No I don’t think you are expecting too much.  My standards are this:

• If the gift is for an out of the ordinary occasion like a baby shower, wedding, etc, a thank you card is required.
• If a gift is for a birthday, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Easter, or just a random day and it is given in-person, the thank you should be done on the spot and in-person.
• If the gift is for one of the more standard events listed above but is sent by mail, you have to do a thank you of some sort.  That could be a card, phone call, text, e-mail, whatever.  There does need to be a thanks/acknowledgement.

In your case, it sounds like your relatives are less than grateful.  I would tend to avoid the passive-agressive move of sending them thank you cards as a gift.  It sounds like most of the people you send these to are kids, which really mens their parents are not properly raising them.

I would first talk to the parents.  You will sound needy and whiney if you ask them to have the kids send you thank you cards, so you should approach that from an angle of telling them you just want to be sure they have received mailed gifts, and that it would be appreciated if you would get some kind of notice if and when they receive gifts.  If that can’t be accommodated, I would just stop the gifts altogether.

For the adults you send gifts to, is that reciprocal?  If they never buy shit for you, I would probably just stop sending them stuff.  They may not even notice or care.

-Bald Man

 

Hi Bald Man-

I have an issue with my son.  He recently got engaged and is 35.  I told him that I would try to give him $15000 as a wedding gift.  He and his fiancé were thrilled.  However, I recently had a reduction in pay due to a job change and I can’t afford to give that much.   I let him know that the gift would likely need to be halved, and he was really angry, telling me he was relying on that money for a home downpayment.

I feel like he should be happy with whatever I can manage. My friends all agree that his reaction was over the top. I am single and trying to retire soon so giving that money would be tough. Should I cave, of stick to my guns?

Sincerely,

Delayed Retirement Pending

 

Hi Delayed Retirement Pending

I am making an assumption that you handled this conversation with tact and told your son the reasons behind your change of heart and wallet.  I’m sure it was difficult for your son to hear that he will be getting less than he expected as a gift, but really he is just being an entitled little bitch.  $7500 is still a lot of money for a wedding gift, and he should be thankful and understanding.

Definitely don’t cave on this one.  I would let him know that you think his reaction was immature, and that he should try and understand your financial position a bit better.  Maybe a little time has allowed him to reflect on his shitty attitude.  If so, time to move on with life.  If not, then I would consider cutting the gift in half again.

Sincerely,

Bald Man